Wednesday, April 18, 2018

What I Need Is...

I've read this verse many times over the years, but only now has it really hit deep and come to life (I love how God does that).

Like a good spoon of sugar helps the medicine go down, so are joy and laughter great at getting us through the hard times; times of pain, times of sorrow, but if the spirit is crushed it drys up the bones. That word never really made sense. Bones?

Ah, but what if you say "skeleton" instead? And I did. 

When I heard that it made me think in terms of writing. Because I'm a writer, we use words like Skeleton to call the beginning of a writing project, to where we form our ideas around! And if we don't have a healthy skeleton it's going to be that much harder fleshing out. 

Then I began to think more realistically, too. People with bone problems, from young to old, genetics to chronic illness, if they have weak bones it makes the everyday things like walking or picking up a gallon of milk hard, even just getting out of bed, sometimes near impossible. 

I've had my limitations, even been knocked down more times than I can count. But I've always been able to get back up, be the one to help so many others who've been through some rough stages of life; their spirit so crushed all I could give them was a shoulder to lean on and words of encouragement or acts of kindness to make them laugh or smile, even if just for a moment. I loved being that person for them, serving them. 

I never fathomed one day I would be here, dealing with what I had only so far seen but never really experienced: A crushed spirit. 

My Bible (NLT) translates,

 “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength.”
(Proverbs 17:22)

And that's exactly what happened to me. My spirit was broken. 

Sure the past few years have been rough and bumpy, but never like the last 10 months. From spiritual and physical attacks to overwhelming church hurts and broken/lost friendships.  

One day the final blow was dealt, I didn't see it coming and before I knew what had hit me I was down, this time for the count.  

Days started going by without me. One. Two. Five and then weeks. I'd get lost in these deep sea thoughts of just nothingness. 
Not having the strength mentally to talk to family or friends, write, even pray. Physically unable to do simple things like washing a few dishes or even getting out of bed. Feeling nothing. I was depressed. 

Has anyone seen the movie, "Kubo and the Two Strings"? I saw only the beginning recently but when I saw Kubo's mother, I nearly cried in front of strangers. Because the way she acted, broken and depressed, here a moment and gone the next. 
I'd have spouts of time where I was awake and happy but it didn't last, all of a sudden I'd slip away again. More inwardly expressions of my depression than outwardly. Most people would and never will know because of the mask I wear so well. 

Okay, two things you outta know about me!

  1. I'm a writer. It's my best way of expressing myself to others and most importantly God. I journal all the time, for hours and pages at a time. I love it!
  2. I'm a cryer. 

I've always been cryer, I've always found crying comforting. For me, it is my way of making my feelings known to God, my joys, and my sorrows, and His way of washing them away and/or refreshing my mind/heart. When I cry I am releasing myself to God. 

I stopped crying... more like I wasn't able to cry. 
The flower pot had cracked and spilled all the water. 
I had absolutely no strength or knowledge of how to fix it. And then like any living thing, without water, it begins to dry up; like those dry bones. 

I no longer desired to reach out to people; I'd forgotten how or seen the reason to anymore. And when I did try, I found myself unintentionally and so heavily guarded that anyone who did approach my walls sent me into an anxiety attack, even long after they'd gone home.  

Honestly, I still can't remember who I was before or who I'm supposed to be now or how to just be. 

How did I encourage and love people? 
How do I trust people again? How do I just talk? What do I talk about now? 
What does it even mean to be a friend anymore? 
How do I be there when I still feel so far away? Too far for anyone to even bother reaching out for. 
And why would they? I'm dry, wilting and withering. And who wants a dying flower? 

That's how life has been for me recently. I don't even know how people perceive me because I don't know how I perceive myself anymore. 

However endless it feels to me, I know God doesn't leave me alone. He may be silent; he may be trying to teach me or give me the chance and choice to just lean on him, but never does He leave. 

And that's where this verse reached beyond just Proverbs. As I was reading and thinking about it God shouted to me this reminder. 

Jesus says he is the living water in which all life springs forward (John 4:14) reviving the dry and dying flowers in God's garden. God is the gardener pruning us so we can bloom bigger and produce more fruit (John 15:1) Jesus being the root at which my branch on the grapevine is still living on. 

Like any plant that has been crushed and dried out, it takes time, patience, and tender loving care before it can be fully restored. 
That's the process I am in right now. And for a while, I kept believing that something was wrong with me for not being myself again. Not blooming vibrantly like I had before. Am I not believing enough?  But like any good gardener knows, when tending to a recovering plant (or dehydrated anything: plants, animals, humans), too much water and you end up either shocking the system or drowning the wilting flower. 

Things are getting better. I'm trying. Some days are harder than others. I'm still wilted but getting a little bit stronger every day. And when the time is right, my roots will be strong again, stronger even, and I will bloom in the time God has planned for me. 


Do you feel broken, drained emotionally, or spiritually dry? It can be tempting to pull back and want to hide. However, it is vital to pour your heart out to the Lord. 
Are you able to be completely honest with God? How can you improve in this area?


"Because I place my hope in the Lord my strength is renewed." (Isaiah 40:31)
Originally written August 2017.

I wanted to share it as it was written at that time. I've grown more since then and been renewed that much more because of what I wrote. I know this will speak to others out there struggling as I did. Thus, keeping in its complete original text even after many months past original date. 

Friday, August 25, 2017

It's Been a While...

A lot of things have happened over the past six months. Really over the past year, but that's another story for another time.

I have some posts I am working on right now, each one separate but once read they all come together. The reason I don't post them as I finish them is because I want to make sure they are going to glorify God. That's always been the purpose of this blog. And to help others who may be going through things, to be reminded they aren't alone and who they are in Christ Jesus. Encouraging one another in this walk in this world until God takes us home.

God doesn't promise that things will be easy, He promises that he will be there with us and for us through the hard times, no matter what! You can count on that.

If you have any prayer requests, I'd love to hear them and add them to my prayer journal! If you don't want to say either there is a thing called "a silent" prayer request. God knows what you are praying for but I want to pray with you, even though I don't know the details of the request!

God bless you all!

Monday, February 20, 2017

Hope > Despair

Over the last few years I've lost something very precious.


Hope is that small voice whispering in your ear, "yes, there is light at the end of this tunnel", even  when we can't see it. It pushes against the masses bellowing, "this will never end" or "you'll never make it."

I don't know when I began shutting out Hope's voice. Somewhere between faith and love perhaps? When I lost it I noticed my smiles never quite reached my eyes when I laughed. My prayers felt like hallow logs, only echoes of my wishes.

How can God answer my prayers when I feel like this? So...


How could He? I've stopped expecting him to answer. I've shut and barred the doors to my heart. But God doesn't base his love on what barriers I have created. He stands ready to knock down those walls at any moment and pull me out where the light chases away all shadows!
He doesn't base his love on how much I love him but on how much Christ loves me. Which most of you already know, loved me, us all, so much he died to save me from this prison sentence. This despair.

This Hopelessness. 

Paul wrote in Ephesians how we were once living apart from Christ, but now thanks to Jesus we know of his promises and can now hold on to those promises too.

I will never completely lose my hope because I will never lose Jesus who is the sustainer of all our hope. I am regaining that hope in Him, one step at a time, one hour, one moment at a time. 
The past couple of weeks I have felt so much better than I have in a long time!

If you are struggling with a sense of hopelessness or depression then know I am saying a special prayer for you tonight. Let me tell you right now, in this very moment, you are not alone! 

I hope to touch more on this subject in the weeks to come. Until then, be blessed and may Jesus be your hope tonight.

Listen to this song by Danny Gokey.
A friend shared this with me 
after sharing my struggles and feelings
 It lifted me and my spirits after a week of listening 
and crying to this song!
I pray it lifts you up and fills you with hope!
In Jesus name I pray, AMEN.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

God > This World's Dark Side

I've been learning something this past year. Something I constantly have to remind myself. Actually, God has to keep reminding me because I'm always forgetting it.

The past year our world has been filled with pretty extreme horrific's

  • Shootings in schools and theaters
  • Bombings at events
  • Terrorists in the middle east

But it's not just been the physically harmful attacks that have taken to the extremes.

  • Laws changing against our very foundation as a nation as Christians
  • Scandals exposing flaws in others only to tear them down
  • God's beautiful gifts to us all distorted, misused, and perverted 

Those things alone make me want to run and hide under my covers. Never unlock my door. Never walk the street. Never go to a movie. Never trust another living soul. {Psalms 116:10-12}
It's scary, this world we live in today. Looking ahead I feel like the world is so bleak that I don't want to move forward.  
I want to stay isolated in my own little world where seemingly nothing can hurt me. 


What better strategy for Satan than to scare us into hiding away from the very world Jesus came into to save us? To believe that by hiding we are somehow safe from any and all harm?
Jesus came into the world, faced the same prince of darkness with his tricks and lies, and then died a cruel death he didn't deserve. 

Something I heard recently in a sermon that has stuck with me whenever I begin to feel/think this way. 


What that means is we are never alone. We never have to worry about who is against because we have someone even bigger than our fears backing us up. We have someone leading the way who will never steer us the wrong way.

God says in Isaiah 40:10, "Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand."

God promises us when the days ahead seem dark and scary that we won't be alone. He promises when the world tries to drag us down he will give us strength to stand. He promises to hold us up as we stand boldly in his victory over the darkness.

This world is going to get pretty dark. But God has promised a new dawn for all those who believe in him and accept his son as their one true savior. So then what am I worried about? <3  

"What can I offer the Lord for all he has done for me? I will lift up a cup symbolizing his salvation; I will praise the Lord's name for saving me. " ~Psalms 116:13

What do you fear about our world today? What are some more of God's promises that have helped you through the darkness? How can we start trusting him more with our future?

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

'Cause It's Not Easy

It's hard making new friends really. Even at twenty-five; I actually think it's harder as you get older. As you grow with each relationship, so do your expectations of what you want in future ones.

For me, all I ever wanted was a friend who I could laugh with and share all my secrets with. Never to feel like if I told my personal thoughts that I might be rejected because of them. Someone to trust with my heart for a little while.

I've had friends like that come and go in my life. Right now, I've had to say goodbye to my old friends and have been trying to make new ones but I find myself guarded around them. More than I've ever been before in my life. Not because I'm incredibly shy, I'm dying to share with these new friends of mine. But... they don't seem to be as invested as I am. They only ask, "What have you been up to? Read any good books or watch any good movies lately?"

Not that I mind those questions, I love talking about all those things but I want something deeper. I want to talk about more than just what's on the very surface. I want to go beyond the exterior shell. To peel back the layers of the mask we all wear. I want to talk about the things we only think about. I want to be open and vulnerable. I want to know that I'm not the only one who thinks or feels.

I want to talk about Jesus.

I want to grow with friends who are aiming towards Heaven.

I want to share the miracles and glories of God and be able to say to them, "Isn't He wonderful?"

I want to learn more about Him together and grow in faith and strength, forming bonds that as God says is not easily broken. {Ecc 4:12}

Thinking back on it now, I've never really had those kinds of earthly friendships. Sure I've had a few where I've shared some of my most inner thoughts but what's the point if you don't spiritually grow from them?

That's the thing, when you add Jesus into the picture everything changes. There's purpose in friendship when you add Christ to the mix. That's what I've been noticing in past and current friendships. The ones I thought would last forever have ended and the ones I'm trying to make now won't peel back let down their guard.

I can't force my expectations on them, but I had hoped we would have a few things in common regarding our lives in Christ. But when I try to bring it up they pull away from me. They're afraid my beliefs won't align with their own.

But I ask, how else are you to find out but to invite one another over to talk about it?

I'm the last person you will ever hear say, "I enjoy being in a good debate." No way! They are exhausting beyond all reason! But I think being able to share our feelings and thoughts on Jesus is a growing experience and doesn't have to be or should be a debate.

"God is good all the time. All the time God is good." ~God's Not Dead

That should always be the point to every topic of discussion or debate. ;) Wouldn't you agree?

As I was waiting in the car the other day, I got to thinking about, wondering, is this how Jesus feels about all of those who reject him as their friend?

How real that question becomes when you yourself have faced with rejection. Like me, Jesus doesn't want to force us into a relationship with him, he wants us to come of our own will and desire. He wants us to invest our time and attention, let down our guards and open up to him too. That's when this song from Pete's Dragon started playing in my head.

"'Cause it's not easy
To find someone who cares
It's not easy
To find magic in pairs
I'm glad I found him
I love him
I won't let him get away
'Cause it's not easy" ~Pete's Dragon

I feel truly fortunate for the gift of friendship Jesus has offered me. He is always by my side, he cares about me, and he wants me around ALL the time! He knows how it feels to be rejected, he knows the pain.

I'm not so sad about not making new friends. Now that I know the pain of rejection I can appreciate my friendship with Christ more than I did before. It is so hard to make friends here on earth, but it's so easy to become friends with Jesus. His arms and heart are open wide to anyone who wants his friendship.

"I no longer call you servants, because a master doesn't confide in his servants. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me." ~John 15:15

Friday, July 3, 2015

Jesus is my Freedom

This holiday weekend approaches and many of us are preparing to celebrate our nation's day of Independence, thoughts of our nation's history and the events, the sacrifices that led us here, ever fleeting. 

However, it's been all I could think about. The lives lost and pain endured to allow us to live free. Free to worship God and praise his Holy name and share his Word with fellow countrymen. I sat here in dismay, overwhelmed this week at the things happening in the world today and wondering how the future might look tomorrow. It was a scary few moments, but then I remembered a greater sacrifice begging remembrance this Independence Day. 

Jesus Christ. His life paid the cost, his blood shed on the cross, for my freedom so I would no longer be lost. {1 Peter 1:18-29}

"I pledge allegiance to the Christian flag and to the Savior, those whose Kingdom it stands, one Savior crucified, risen, and coming again, with life and liberty for all who believe." ~Dan Quayle
I've long since given my life over to the Lord. The chains of sin no longer keeping my soul apart from God. Through Jesus I can speak to him all the day long. {Romans 5:6-10} Remembering Jesus's ultimate sacrifice chased away my fears and renewed my hope. 

God is in control and Jesus has paid for our true freedom. 

Prayer: Safe travels this weekend and may God fill your hearts with joy and confidence assurance of his goodness, kindness, and love. That you remain hopeful and continue to seek our Father in Heaven in everything you do. Bless the broken people who have given up so much for us and this country, bless their families too. May we always remember your son and what he did for us. In Jesus name, Amen.

"I will walk in freedom, for I have devoted myself to your commandments." -- Psalms 119:45 NLT

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

The Little Things - Introduction

I'm so excited to start this blog, an extension of MissTadoodles Blog! The reason I've created a new blog rather than just post under my main blog is I really want The Little Things to be it's main focus. Because we forget the things that matter and take for granted the very things that make us who God created us to be. All it takes is someone reminding our hearts of what matters that can make the difference in even just one person's life, and yours!
{Hebrews 10:24}

This isn't going to be just another blog, like so many out there, where you hear only opinions of what matter. {Proverbs 3:5} No, that's not the point of this blog at all. It's sharing the truth straight from the Word of God and my heart. {John 17:17-18, Proverbs 4:21-22} My hope is to encourage you with God's word and help open your hearts to Jesus.

"Without wavering, let us hold tightly to the hope we say we have, for God can be trusted to keep his promises.
"And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage and warn each other, especially now that the day of his coming back again is drawing near." -- Hebrews 10:23, 25 NLT